A Girl's Guide to Getting Laid

Here's the quote of the day from the big-box store where I work. A man is talking to a woman looking at decorative pillows:

"You don't need to worry about that. You're just going to have sex on it."

This is, of course, a scene from the yet-to-be cast, written or filmed movie "A Girl's Guide to Getting Laid." After being left at the altar, a self-professed good girl vows to change her ways. Disappointed that she saved herself for a love that proved fickle and inconstant and impressed by coworkers empowered by their own unchaste sexual experiences, Nice Lady decides to explore the kinkier side of single's life. But she's kind of clueless as to how to spice things up.

Her Strictly Platonic, Non-Threatening and Safe Male Friend helps her on her way with a montage scene that includes sexy lingerie, a Brazilian wax (uh-oh!) and new linens. "You can sex it up," says Strictly, "but don't get too serious." And she doesn't! From a puppy-eyed recent college grad (she helps him to realize that he should go surfing in Hawaii: "I need to make a pilgrimage."), to a nerdy accountant (who finds his own love in Nice's more-clueless office-mate, Bitchy Prude) to a hard-living Rock Star, everyone falls head over heels for Nice's nice-girl attitude.

But who would have known that, just as ex-fiance "comes to his senses" and sweeps Nice off her feet, the bookstore worker besmusedly dismissive of Nice's naughty purchases during montage scene (like The Kama Sutra of Pooh, Diana: Master of the Hunt and The Good Girl's Guide to Scoring) actually ends up being the owner of the bookstore (he has to have money, natch) and a friend to the spurned rock star.

Owner comes to his senses in the final scenes of the movie as the Rock Star reveals that Nice is the awesome girl Rock Star has been dating this whole time:

"Whoa, she shops here man?"

"Yeah, she's-"

"Hey man, that's the girl that let me go. She's back with that ass-hole ex of hers. That's a bunch of shit. But a girl like her... I guess a rolling stone really does gather no moss, man, even if it is a gorgeous, funny and intelligent stone. Hey! Whatever happened to that annoying girl with the sex books?"

"Nothing, man. She disappeared."

And you can just see that look of love and longing in Owner's eyes. The moral is that chastity is the best policy, but the tagline is: "You don't need to sleep around to find the right guy, but it helps."

Image from Wikimedia Commons contributor Stilfehler

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1 Responses to “A Girl's Guide to Getting Laid”

  1. Brandon says:

    Aisha....I just....My god. You are so bloody funny. This plot synopsis has such a sweet-and-sour mix of romance and just plain skeez that I don't know what to do with it. I especially like your use of adjectives-as-names-for-characters. Bravo! to the whole piece of writing. I guess this means I have to get on the ball.

    Brandon

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