Real Housewives of DC in Four Flavors

My sister is a big Real Housewives fan, so I end up seeing a lot of episode chunks from its many franchises. I decided to sit down and watch the entire first episodes of the Real Housewives of DC, because I live in DC. Real housewives gives me the vapors, so I don't think I'll be watching it again. But here's an impression of the first episode in four voices: Colonial Dude, Distinguished (Internet) Critic, cute blgger and Prufrock Noir Detective.

Sandesh's Picasa


Colonial Dude:

Dear Editor,

It is with great humility that I must submit myself to your readers regarding the behavior of the Real Housewives of DC. There are many instances in which much of our citizenry (including women and children) have witnessed their misdeeds both moral and legal, all without repercussion. This matter must also be brought up with Judge Billings, Sheriff Nightingale and Pastor Douglass, as these three distinguished men are best poised to deal with these matters. The Real Housewives' sins must be assessed and punished in order to continue the moral fortitude and uprightness in which our democracy blooms.

Mr. Longgood's ancestors
The items to which I refer will be dealt with briefly, as I trust that the ramifications of such behavior will be made clear from the items themselves. All of these women are running around without their escorts, drinking in public and creating a nuisance of themselves at the polo match. They backbite and confer with men who are not their husbands. They wear shameful clothing and funny hats, I know not for what reason, exposing chest and legs...

...I hope that bringing the matters to the community will help to chastise these fallen women and send them on their way away from this God-fearing and peaceable community.


Drenchible Sir Longgood


The Distinguished (Internet) Critic:

South View 1864
Picture: Exterior Smithsonian. Picture: Grant Memorial at The Mall. Picture: The White House. Scene: McMansion in the burbs. The intro scenes are the best indicator of The Real Housewives of DC's beat. It hovers  on the outskirts of a powerful city; looking into the aquarium and assuming that if you tap the glass hard enough, you'll gain the ability to swim...

...Two of DC's biggest sources of conflict, race and class, are dealt with here in the sophomoric ways of the bored and childish. Surrounded by women of color, a waspy British housewife airily makes fun of Tyra Banks, complete with fake-Britishized "Tyra" accent; A white housewife commuter drunkenly berates two black guests at a dinner party about integrating hair salons; Ms. Erkiletian, concerned about enemy/co-star Michaele Salahi's weight, tells her personal stylist to have a talk with Salahi instead of addressing the problem herself...

...The strength of real housewives lies in plying susceptible women with alcohol until they say something stupid, then airing that stupid remark to the world to confirm the world's suspicion that the people at the "top" really are as obnoxious and privileged as we thought they were. It's just another case of dog bites man.


Cute Blgger:

The order in which I will slap the housewives:

1. Absolutely the British lady. Stop making fun of people with funny hats, British lady. The point of the hats is to be funny. I am so glad that blah blah blah Joe Biden, btw.

See? I made this one!
2. McLean Lady. Real Estate Lady is right, McLean Lady. McLean isn't DC. It's where the mall is. And not the mall mall. Tyson's Corner the mall, which thankfully has Banana Republic Petite. Also, "we are surrounded by Dick Cheney" is less impressive and more scary. Barack Obama in the white house will not create Hair Equality, McLean lady. Hair Equality is a pipe dream.

3. Model Lady. Dear model lady, The Biggest Modeling Agency in DC, huh? That's very interesting. I wonder what would happen if you went to New York? Where the models are?

4. Salahi Lady. Pay the goddamned Model Lady. Everybody deserves a wage for an honest day's work, or, you know, whatever.

5. Real Estate Lady, you rock. I do not want to slap you. But I must, because you are on Real Housewives.


Prufrock Noir Detective

A book I never read
And now I'm surrounded by moneyed women. I find myself staring at the legs first. My eye find the slope and the bob of a shoulder before I  shake myself out. Best to avoid money's hairy eye. These ones spend a lot of time making themselves up, but they all lose their charm, drown it in the reek of DC's bowels, swimming in the cash from the howls and the death of this great and industrious town. It gets to be their food and their mass, other peoples' guts. Buff these ladies out with a clean white cloth and all you get is filth brushed over iron and bone, clean and merciless. And a cloth you'd best throw away.

But in a million dollars worth of diamonds or naked on a slab in the morgue, this one walking toward me would be roses sprouting out of live oak, sunlight shining onto a judged man's face. She spend her time at society functions, yeah, but she's not that girl. Parties. She doesn't want parties. She doesn't want more pearl necklaces either. She got plenty of those and can go home to daddy for more. I learned what she wants the hard way from a girl just like her. What she wants is real simple, and deeply insidious to most men. She wants some man's heart. But she won't keep it. Her daddy won't let her. That soulless man's got her saved up for an entirely different endeavor. So she takes the heart she got and hangs it on her Christmas tree, right under the gold star of Bethlehem. She'll cry a lot, yeah, but she won't shed a tear when that heart's owner comes knockin' at her door to beg back his own damned property. Real Housewives of DC. I for one will do without.

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